The Ugly American™
Since global perceptions of The United States are at an all time low, and I’m looking for a good excuse to broaden my horizons, I’ve come up with an idea to capitalize on the situation for huge profits. Aren’t I a good American? My plan is to open a chain of restaurants in hotbeds of anti-Americanism called “The Ugly American.” The idea is to expose people who don't have as much freedom as we do to the benefits of modern American culture in a fun, family-friendly environment.
Here’s how a visit to “The Ugly American” would ideally go. You walk in, and immediately your senses are overwhelmed. Televisions everywhere. All of them tuned to Fox News. Ideally, Bill O’Reilly or Sean Hannity is on the screen the minute you walk in. On weekends, the mood is lighter. We’ll watch a collection of Superbowl Halftime Shows and John Wayne movies; both of which serve as testament to American cultural superiority. Mediocre music distributed by major labels drowns out the incessant whining of the television babble. Maybe something by Mariah Carey, or Creed, or Kenny Chesney. Perfect.
To the menu we go…you’ll notice that everything is fried. I would make a point to articulate in the menu that all the foods served are genetically modified, I mean "enhanced." Care for some Fried Cheese with Bovine Growth Hormone? Try the Chicken Chunks pumped with a blend of antibiotics, hormones, and nitrates we like to call “Monsanto Seasoning.” Oh, and for the kids, a coloring book of the slaughterhouse the food on their plates came from. “You’ll need two red crayons to color that page, Jimmy.” Much laughter, and before you know it, you’re feeling a real sense of “American family values.” To cement that "family values" feeling, your waiter or waitress will occasionally remind you that homosexuality is an abomination in the eyes of God. "Now there's something both our God's agree on!" More Genetically "Enchanced" Chicken Chunks please.
We serve Coors beer here at “The Ugly American,” because Pete Coors is clever enough to use the very nature he’s busy destroying in Colorado right in their advertising. Now that’s American know how, and the beer is about as good as the waste they’ve gotten the necessary concessions to dump into those “cool mountain streams.” You’ll love it Mohammed, trust me. Sure, you can have water, but the PCB test will cost you extra. There is only one other non-alcoholic drink on the menu. Mountain Dew. We treat you right here at “The Ugly American.” No watered down cola for your kids…real Americans don’t waste their time with that shit. You want your kid pumped up with caffeine to the Triple X-TREME!!! How else are we going to be able to diagnose him or her with Attention Deficit Disorder? We’ve got pharmaceutical stocks to think of, after all.
What’s for dessert at “The Ugly American” you might ask? Why, the “Heckuva Job Brownie” of course. Enjoy!
Here’s how a visit to “The Ugly American” would ideally go. You walk in, and immediately your senses are overwhelmed. Televisions everywhere. All of them tuned to Fox News. Ideally, Bill O’Reilly or Sean Hannity is on the screen the minute you walk in. On weekends, the mood is lighter. We’ll watch a collection of Superbowl Halftime Shows and John Wayne movies; both of which serve as testament to American cultural superiority. Mediocre music distributed by major labels drowns out the incessant whining of the television babble. Maybe something by Mariah Carey, or Creed, or Kenny Chesney. Perfect.
To the menu we go…you’ll notice that everything is fried. I would make a point to articulate in the menu that all the foods served are genetically modified, I mean "enhanced." Care for some Fried Cheese with Bovine Growth Hormone? Try the Chicken Chunks pumped with a blend of antibiotics, hormones, and nitrates we like to call “Monsanto Seasoning.” Oh, and for the kids, a coloring book of the slaughterhouse the food on their plates came from. “You’ll need two red crayons to color that page, Jimmy.” Much laughter, and before you know it, you’re feeling a real sense of “American family values.” To cement that "family values" feeling, your waiter or waitress will occasionally remind you that homosexuality is an abomination in the eyes of God. "Now there's something both our God's agree on!" More Genetically "Enchanced" Chicken Chunks please.
We serve Coors beer here at “The Ugly American,” because Pete Coors is clever enough to use the very nature he’s busy destroying in Colorado right in their advertising. Now that’s American know how, and the beer is about as good as the waste they’ve gotten the necessary concessions to dump into those “cool mountain streams.” You’ll love it Mohammed, trust me. Sure, you can have water, but the PCB test will cost you extra. There is only one other non-alcoholic drink on the menu. Mountain Dew. We treat you right here at “The Ugly American.” No watered down cola for your kids…real Americans don’t waste their time with that shit. You want your kid pumped up with caffeine to the Triple X-TREME!!! How else are we going to be able to diagnose him or her with Attention Deficit Disorder? We’ve got pharmaceutical stocks to think of, after all.
What’s for dessert at “The Ugly American” you might ask? Why, the “Heckuva Job Brownie” of course. Enjoy!
posted by MK | 2:22 PM
2 Comments:
Dude,
I've been around Europe several times for extended periods, to the point where Euro culture--though delightful--gets a bit tedious. A place like you suggest would be a *great* pick-me-up! No kidding, your idea is a money-maker. And the menu idea is great! Over there it's hard to get GMOs, and I tell you, if it's not GMOs, there might be anything in that food!
Schiller.
i wouldn't mind a place like that either. sometimes i think the american goverment should pay me because i'm doing my best to give americans a good name over here in london.
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