Thoughts On The Game...
I was rattled this morning by an email sent by a friend with a picture attached of the Buffalo Sabres ice rink in HSBC (Hot Sauce Blue Cheese) Arena. Initially, I thought it was "photoshopped," because the ice was blue. After reading the caption "NHL experimenting with blue ice," I nearly reached for the cyanide pill I keep in my desk, but resisted. In addition, the blue lines are orange and the red line is blue. Sweet Jesus, I do believe this is something Dante described in the sixth or seventh circle of Hell.
I started poking around on the hockey boards, and it turns out the National Hockey League has a few other tricks up its sleeves for whenever it settles the current labor dispute. New uniform designs are on tap modeled on "a ski-racer's uniform, or even Spiderman's costume." These moves toward a "futuristic" game are as well-concieved as the "Fox Trax Glow Puck" from 1996, and are proof positive that NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman has become the Colonel Kurtz of the sports world, certifiably insane and destroying everything in his path. Where is Captain Willard when we need him most?
The better decision would be to go back to the past. The game's history can teach us lessons that focus groups of NASCAR fans simply cannot. Here's what I'd do if I were commissioner:
1) Ban helmets. Helmets are for pussies. Toe Blake didn't wear a helmet, and neither did Bobby Orr. Come to think of it, Ron Duguay didn't either, and my one and a half year old kid is tougher than Ron Duguay.
2) Lose the plexiglass, install chickenwire fencing, just like the old Cazenovia rink in South Buffalo.
3) Rule that permanent dental caps are illegal substances. Hockey players shouldn't have teeth.
4) Bring back Peter Puck, the character Hanna Barbera created for the NHL between 1973-1980 as a way to teach people about hockey during televised games. The "poke-check professor" was better at teaching people about hockey than Jim Belushi and his corny spots on ABC last year.
5) Mandate that goalies can only wear the number 1, or 30-35. Players cannot have numbers higher than 25. Enough with the signature numbers...that's one thing Gretzky did wrong.
6) No teams except for the Chicago Black Hawks can use the color combination of Red, Black and White. That goes for Buffalo...go back to the Blue and Gold. L.A. Kings, you're in the yellow and purple.
7) Teams have to shake hands after every game. It's a gentleman's sport, and no matter how much fighting occurs during the three periods, it gets left on the ice boys. To quote Don Cherry, "That's a lesson for you youngsters out there."
8) Bring back the old conference and division names. In the Wales Conference, there would be the Adams and Patrick divisions. In the Campbell Conference, the Smythe and Norris divisions. Of course Buffalo would be in the Adams division in the Wales conference, and everyone else would be in the pussy divisions that Buffalo would be in first place in if it wasn't in the toughest division in hockey, just like it used to be.
9) Mandate that only organ music can be played at hockey games. No "Welcome to the Jungle," no techno beats, no Phil Collins "Misunderstanding" after a penalty, no nothing except the Sabres' Dance, and whatever else the organ player knows if he's sober enough to play.
10) Bring back the rectangular goal crease AND ENFORCE IT!! (N.B.: This is personal venom from Brett Hull's overtime goal against the Sabres in the '99 Stanley Cup. His foot was in the crease, therefore, no goal).
I hear the NHL is thinking of eliminating the red line to allow for two-line passes and bringing back the shootout to end ties, so I didn't put those in my list. In the meantime, we have blue ice.
I started poking around on the hockey boards, and it turns out the National Hockey League has a few other tricks up its sleeves for whenever it settles the current labor dispute. New uniform designs are on tap modeled on "a ski-racer's uniform, or even Spiderman's costume." These moves toward a "futuristic" game are as well-concieved as the "Fox Trax Glow Puck" from 1996, and are proof positive that NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman has become the Colonel Kurtz of the sports world, certifiably insane and destroying everything in his path. Where is Captain Willard when we need him most?
The better decision would be to go back to the past. The game's history can teach us lessons that focus groups of NASCAR fans simply cannot. Here's what I'd do if I were commissioner:
1) Ban helmets. Helmets are for pussies. Toe Blake didn't wear a helmet, and neither did Bobby Orr. Come to think of it, Ron Duguay didn't either, and my one and a half year old kid is tougher than Ron Duguay.
2) Lose the plexiglass, install chickenwire fencing, just like the old Cazenovia rink in South Buffalo.
3) Rule that permanent dental caps are illegal substances. Hockey players shouldn't have teeth.
4) Bring back Peter Puck, the character Hanna Barbera created for the NHL between 1973-1980 as a way to teach people about hockey during televised games. The "poke-check professor" was better at teaching people about hockey than Jim Belushi and his corny spots on ABC last year.
5) Mandate that goalies can only wear the number 1, or 30-35. Players cannot have numbers higher than 25. Enough with the signature numbers...that's one thing Gretzky did wrong.
6) No teams except for the Chicago Black Hawks can use the color combination of Red, Black and White. That goes for Buffalo...go back to the Blue and Gold. L.A. Kings, you're in the yellow and purple.
7) Teams have to shake hands after every game. It's a gentleman's sport, and no matter how much fighting occurs during the three periods, it gets left on the ice boys. To quote Don Cherry, "That's a lesson for you youngsters out there."
8) Bring back the old conference and division names. In the Wales Conference, there would be the Adams and Patrick divisions. In the Campbell Conference, the Smythe and Norris divisions. Of course Buffalo would be in the Adams division in the Wales conference, and everyone else would be in the pussy divisions that Buffalo would be in first place in if it wasn't in the toughest division in hockey, just like it used to be.
9) Mandate that only organ music can be played at hockey games. No "Welcome to the Jungle," no techno beats, no Phil Collins "Misunderstanding" after a penalty, no nothing except the Sabres' Dance, and whatever else the organ player knows if he's sober enough to play.
10) Bring back the rectangular goal crease AND ENFORCE IT!! (N.B.: This is personal venom from Brett Hull's overtime goal against the Sabres in the '99 Stanley Cup. His foot was in the crease, therefore, no goal).
I hear the NHL is thinking of eliminating the red line to allow for two-line passes and bringing back the shootout to end ties, so I didn't put those in my list. In the meantime, we have blue ice.
posted by MK | 10:47 AM
1 Comments:
I can speak to that as well. I would recommend that they both sit down over Flamin' Hot Cheetos and beer together and watch the classic 1988 film "Colors," realize that they're just swimming in Ice-T's wake, and shut the fuck up.
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